mad world…

when you teach your children not to steal, cheat, or lie please teach them what to do when others do these things. i feel as a child i was taught not to do these things or to accuse others of doing them. but as adult i sadly realize that these things are real and they have happened to me. what to do now? do i accuse? what do you do when someone feels they have been wronged and wants you to accuse another? or if this person feels they know the REAL reason that something is happening and believe that i am being deceived…do i accuse? what about when accusing another person seems to be the only thing that will make someone happy? and toughest of all-when the evidence does seem to indicate that stealing, cheating, or lying has taken place, do i accuse? parents, teach your children not to lie, cheat, or steal, but somewhere in there teach them that its a mad, mad world 😦

Mad World Gary Jules

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love at 29

Love at first sight is for real. It was from the first moment and COMPLETELY unexpected.  Love doesn’t go away. It may lie dormant or hide for a while, but it never really leaves. It can be ignored too, but in the end it will have its way. On that day, I recognized it for what it was. I let it take hold of me and flow through me. It was the most amazing, frightening, and empowering experience.  To be loved in return was a feeling unknown to me in many years, and it was intoxicating. I learned that the power of love can be so many things. It is the most beautifully healing thing I have ever known, but it is also a weapon and a drug. I learned that it can simultaneously heal and hurt.  Just as life isn’t lived in a bubble, love has consequences outside itself. Love doesn’t always mean having, sometimes it means going without. Recognizing this meant my days of loving this man were not my own, but this love is not dead. Some say love is a choice.  I believe you do not choose who you will love in life, but you must choose what you do with this love that wells up inside. Although I treasure all the moments spent, I decided that love can also mean walking away.

Sandy so far…

On the 306th day of my 30th year I spent my second hurricane on Long Island. Although my first, Irene, sated my appetite for natural disasters, I was treated to the indulgence once again in the form of Sandy. Learning from my first experience, I headed to the home of dear friends. Captain Jack made sure our vessel stayed warm, dry, and well fed. Sandy seemed to be a bit more of a bitch that Irene-stealing not only power and trees but lives and homes. We learned early to count our blessings as we heard reports of the death and destruction to our east and west. Our largest hassles were dark nights, cold showers, and sparse gas. We struggled to understand the loss of those so nearby.  After a couple housebound days, I ventured out touch base with my staff and look for some gas. Miles long lines and downed trees hampered my progress, but no moment was more frustrating than the results of a poor choice at a non-working stop light. After griping about the lack of consideration I had seen from my fellow drivers and my disbelief at their failure to obey traffic laws, I gave in and decided to join the crowd. My moment of abandon was poorly placed however, as I cut in front of a state trooper. I discovered that not only was I not having a good day, but neither was he. We exchanged few words, but the ticket he handed me was worth a thousand words- obey the traffic rules, no matter what the other assholes around you are doing. Feeling mostly shame and embarrassment for my own lack of judgment, I returned to my friends. As the best of friends always do, they expressed shock that I could do such a thing, and then offered me a plate of warm food. My gratitude grew as the days without power increased in number. Continued searches for gas were not only fruitless, but frightening so I gave up. I sheltered myself at another port, my office, whose power had returned. I told my tale of woe to my work family, and was again stunned by kindness. In a matter of hours I had two more hot meals, some gas in my car, and a warm bed to sleep in. My work family has taught me that life is not about what you can get, but what you can give- a poignant lesson in this time of survival. I was enveloped by light, warmth, and laughter as I shared my Sandy story. Trying to return to the rhythm of work was difficult. Phone, internet access, and even light were like an assault to the senses. Feeling like a thirsty person taking their first drink in days, I was elated but overwhelmed at all that my senses were taking in. After firelight and flashlight, I had to adjust to the lamps I had become so accustomed to. My senses felt bombarded by stimulation after spending time with only two other people and the drone of generators.  Driving in traffic seemed like a skill I needed to relearn and personal interaction tired me out. A taste of a simpler life with stress kept at bay on the fringes had lulled me into a complacent state. Going back to work forced me to confront reality. I was healthy. I was safe. I was dry. I was fed. I was washed. I was not alone. I had fared better than so many. It was time to carry on.

biological clock…

i thought this would never happen. i thought it was all a bunch of crap and wives tales. i thought there was no such thing as the ticking of the biological clock. i thought some women just didn’t have them and i thought for sure i was one of those women. SO i don’t know what happened. i don’t know if it’s being friends with too many mothers, around too many kids, or the aforementioned biological clock, but i have never really felt i wanted kids. until now. the saddest part is that i am currently very unattached. the scariest part is that i’m not sure i’d be a very good mother. the craziest part is that my new favorite tv show is parenthood – which actually makes it look possible. it also makes me wonder why i am 30 alone and away from family. this is nuts. BUT parenthood is still an amazing show- all you parents out there should watch it -be warned i have only seen three episodes so far- does this say something about my current perspective on parenting? ugh.

parenthood

fear…

i am currently reading the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel.  The honest reason is that i saw a movie trailer for it that looked amazing! i had alway heard the book was good-so the perfect time to read it!

a passage from the book made an impact on me today:

I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opposum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. Your dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.”

i feel as though this passage puts the feeling into words better than anything i have ever read. this alone amazes me, but i am further arrested by what follows and finishes the passage:

“The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”

what more is there to say???

 

thank u

this song caught me up short recently…i heard it and thought “is she really saying what i think she is?” the song’s chorus says:

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

these are words in my life (with maybe the exception of india…) that i would rather avoid, and here alanis was thanking them…

it really made me think. there are things in life which we experience in as a result of our own choices or the choices of others and whether good or bad they influence who we become. i would not think to say thank you for these things, but in truth i am am thankful for them. everything happens for a reason, so i am thankful for all of it.

the verses of the song and a link to the youtube video follow.  it is a life changing listen.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I’m full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

p.s. alanis sings in her birthday suit…just so you know…

thank u

whenmymindisfull

i have long identifiend with two songs to explain the reason that i write, and thus the title of my blog.

“If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to” Breathe (Anna Nalick)

“And I’ve written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones” Engine Driver (The Decemberist)

so this is the place i will go whenmymindisfull.